As the others dispelled and went off to do…whatever it was they did, Corey rubbed his eyes. He was tired. Oh, so tired. He was tired beyond all reason; he hadn’t slept in what felt like weeks but was, in fact, just a few days. During the night he couldn’t rest, all he could do was lie in his box and stare at the ceiling. Recently he’d stopped trying to sleep. It just didn’t work. And he honestly couldn’t have come up with the reason, but to anyone who knew him, it would be obvious. He missed her.
He’d been avoiding her fiercely, avoiding what else she might say to him that would undoubtedly be as true as what she’d said in the store. He didn’t want to see the anger and hatred in her eyes, didn’t want to hear her speak his name with such venom, didn’t want to hear the curses she’d flung at him. They echoed to and fro inside his head and he couldn’t block them out; her words ran circles through his mind, keeping him awake. But despite the fact that he didn’t want any of this, the greater portion of him would be willing to brave all of that and much, much more, if only it meant he could hold her again. He just wanted to love her, but he felt dirty and unworthy.
Finally he opened his eyes again. Everyone was gone. Everyone but her. He groaned softly and closed his eyes once more, drawing his knees up to his chest and resting his forehead on them. “What do you want from me?” he said miserably, the sound muffled by his body. He couldn’t face her.
Sita couldn't sleep. Her stomach was twisting up and she felt cold and shaky -- This didn't seem normal for being pregnant, but she supposed that her body was just fuckered, as usual. She was tired, or more like drained to be exact, but she couldn't fall asleep. It sucked, but she knew she couldn't fix it. She needed to go see Corey. She wanted, needed, something... To be held, but she doubted if he would ever hold her again. Still, she made her way to his box.
Great question. Wish I knew.
Sita had a tendency to show up just in time to hear a question, and also to give an answer and scare the wits out of someone. And here, she'd done it again, an answer to a question that she wasn't even sure to whom it was addressed. But she answered anyway, eyes focused on Corey.
Right on time, as ever. He buried his hands in his hair, his elbows sticking out in front of his knees, making him look like some…strange creature. A frog, maybe. Except frogs didn’t grow red hair. He let out a sigh and slowly raised his head, looking up at her from the floor. She was blocking out the weak light that came from the hall outside his box and casting a larger-than-life shadow over his condensed frame. What did she want from him? Why couldn’t she just leave him alone, to wallow in his misery by himself? Why did she have to barge in on his quiet hell looking like an angel? Why couldn’t he be good enough for her? An infinite amount of questions along those lines trampled the harsh words she’d thrown at him, and he was grateful for the surge of fresh, new thoughts.
He didn’t uncurl himself or offer her a place to sit—he didn’t think he could ask her to do anything. She was more in control of him than she would ever know. “Well, what is it?” he asked, lifting his gaze slowly from the toes of her boots, raking his eyes up her legs and torso, stopping at around her throat so that he wouldn’t have to look into those accusing, pained red orbs. He wanted to stop feeling miserable, and his arms cried out to him to reach out and touch her, but he stubbornly wrapped them around his knees, keeping himself small. Heaven forbid he should take up the space he ought to.
Sita had always thought that Corey was too good for her. That was why she'd stopped going after him. And she couldn't help what had happened that night, and she didn't want to, either. She wished she hadn't had to get pregnant, but there was no helping that. Now, however things worked out, she wanted Corey to be there for her through this.
She knew what she wanted, but that was usual. She generally always knew, somewhere in her, what she wanted. And now, she wanted Corey. As a friend, as a lover, as whatever he was willing to be, if he would just be there for her through the most hellish time of her entire life.
Afterglow † Baron
Laura » Administrator
Posts: 164
(25/6/05 1:10)
:: you would
>>laura<<
Ah, metaphors.
>>corey<<
He curled up on himself in an effort to take up as little space as possible, wondering if he pulled his knees any closer to his chest could he possibly disappear? If he disappeared, then he wouldn’t have to suffer through this hell, wouldn’t have to be here facing her. He clenched his fists until his fingernails bit into his palms, letting her words hang in the air. Can we stop playing games now? He didn’t know. What were the games? And since when had she been a pawn? He was the pawn; she was the queen. She could move in any direction she wanted, while he had to take small steps in certain directions. Straight ahead unless he was protecting her. Pawns were the ones who were sacrificed—couldn’t he just sacrifice himself and feel no pain about this? If he died then none of this would be a problem…
He looked back down at her toes. It wasn’t hard to tell that he was miserable, and since she was so good at reading him, doubtless she’d have realized he was in agony; unless, of course, her own issues outweighed his, which, of course, they ought to. “Depends. What’s the game?” he asked. He was stalling, and she would know it. But clearly he wasn’t going to take the initiative this time. He’d gotten her into this mess, and much as he would’ve liked to get her out of it, he’d sunken himself so deep into the mire he couldn’t help her. Not now.
Sita was in the mood to disappear, too. Her transparent skin was whiter than ever from being cold, and tears were fighting about in her eyes. She wanted so badly to break down and cry and throw herself at his feet, but she knew she couldn't. That would be a total violation of her pride. But then, she'd lost her virginity and gotten pregnant, what better way to drain yourself of all dignity?
She forced a cold, sarcastic laugh back down her throat. She didn't want to be cruel anymore, not to Corey. But when he started playing dumb, Sita rolled her eyes and walked to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. Corey Edan Conlan, quit it. You know what I mean. Rarely did she use his full name, but she felt he'd understand what she meant by both the full name and the playing games statement. She knew that he did.
Afterglow † Baron
Laura » Administrator
Posts: 165
(25/6/05 1:31)
on that, at least, we agree
>>laura<<
Heh. You amuse me.
>>corey<<
Of course he knew. He understood what she’d meant by games better than he understood himself at the moment. Their little games of “I’m avoiding you because you’re avoiding me,” when it was really mutual. He avoided her, she avoided him. At least they knew when not to confront one another, though if this was any indication, he’d have denied being ready to give up his solitude despite the fact that his heart ached for her during those long, sleepless nights.
He looked like shit. There was no other description for it. There were dark circles under his eyes, which looked…haunted. Like it was more than just her that came into his mind to keep him from sleep. He couldn’t say that it was just her, either—every time he was just about to drift off simply because he was beyond exhausted and out the other side, some horrible vision of his father with a bullet between his eyes would come walking into Corey’s head to bother him. There were more forces at work on him than just her, though he wouldn’t expect even Sita to know that.
Her use of his full name got him, though. He knew he couldn’t hide from that. There could be no more stalling. He sighed and buried his face in his knees again. “I know,” he replied weakly, feeling hot tears of shame building up behind his eyes. He didn’t want to cry. Not here. Not in front of her. The only time he’d cried in front of her was after that near-death experience with the wolf…he clenched his jaw at the memory, and unconsciously hugged himself tighter. There was a lot more wrong with him than just Sita.
Sita was growing impatient, and impatience with Corey wasn't common for her. She was usually the most patient with him that she'd ever been with anyone really. But he was getting on her nerves, with this stalling and excuses. She was about to snap when he finally spoke, and suddenly she felt bad for wanting to flip her lid at him once again.
'I know,' he said.
She sighed softly and gathered him up into her arms, sitting down and holding him like a child. It was awkward, since he was bigger than her, but maybe the way she tried to hold him anyway would remind him of her love.
Afterglow † Baron
Laura » Administrator
Posts: 166
(25/6/05 1:51)
neither you nor i
>>laura<<
Of course you do, dear.
>>corey<<
Rather than console him, her embrace pained him even more. Nonetheless, his body ached for the touch, and he unfolded himself a bit, burying his face against her neck, putting his arms around her helplessly. He loved her more than he could ever say—he only hoped she knew. She was so small in the circle of his arms…he wanted to pull away to keep from hurting her any more than he already had. He’d already given her an unfair burden, one that would weigh down her womb for nine months. He’d taken her virginity and, with it, he suspected, some of her dignity—all he’d given her in return was the assurance that he loved her, but recently he hadn’t shown it well…at all.
Her proximity healed his aching heart, but his ailing mind needed compensation for those words she’d thrown like daggers into his ears. The scent of her skin was like water to man dying of thirst to his heart, but it agonized his soul. She couldn’t heal the outside without tending to the inside as well. But he felt bad for feeling that she had to fix it all—surely it was his fault, surely he could make up for his lack of caution that night in the fields by confessing and…couldn’t he fix it?
Sita didn't know how long they sat there like that, in silence. She tried to decide how to apologise properly. It would take a lot, she knew. She was so unworthy of him after saying all the words she had said. Still, she knew she had to try to make it right, or her soul would never rest again. It hadn't stopped fighting her since that day at the store.. It was working to destroy her.
She sighed and began to speak, voice soft and breaking.
Corey... I'm sorry. I'm sorry about what I said to you in my anger... I never meant to say those things, and I never meant to hurt you. I miss you so much... At this point, the tears began to fall from her eyes, and her voice softened even more. She swallowed hard. I can't live without you, Cor.. Then she whispered her plead, her voice shattering.
Afterglow † Baron
Laura » Administrator
Posts: 167
(25/6/05 18:55)
YOU don't deserve this
>>laura<<
Awr. Thanks, I try.
>>corey<<
The time between when he put his arms around her and when she spoke seemed to last forever. If only they could stay this way, if only eternity could be them, could be Sita…if only eternity were love. His throat was tight as he kept his eyes tightly closed, afraid that if he opened them and looked at her, he would cry…and then he felt her tears on his neck. Oh god…no…no, she couldn’t be crying…it had to be his fault, her pain had to be his fault…
He held her just a bit tighter. “No, it’s…I’m sorry, Si. You were right…and I’m sorry. Just…tell me I haven’t hurt you,” he whispered hoarsely. “Tell me you’re alright.” No…no, he couldn’t cry. Not here, not now. But then…if he couldn’t cry in front of Sita, when could he?
Corey's words stung like nothing she'd felt in a long time. She couldn't bring herself to accept that this was either of their faults. They'd both made bad decisions, but somehow it seemed like everything would work out in the end. They would be there for eachother, just like they always were, and things would work out okay. Sita just didn't know how.
With Corey, it had to be okay.
Corey, I'm alright, she promised softly. And she meant it.
Afterglow † Baron
Laura » Administrator
Posts: 168
(25/6/05 22:46)
at least we're both ok...
>>laura<<
It’s fine.
>>corey<<
He was afraid he might hurt her more; afraid that if he held her too tightly, he might bruise her, might hurt the child growing inside her. It was an irrational thought, but it didn’t stop him from having it. When it came to Sita, Corey had a lot of irrational thoughts. So he drew away slightly when she said she was alright, feeling a wave of relief surge through him. He knew that the pain wouldn’t go away all at once, knew that he couldn’t stop them both hurting in an instant. Words couldn’t repair the damage that had been done to their ravaged hearts; only time could heal those wounds, only love would cure that pain.
He drew away from her so that he could look at her, still holding her gently by her upper arms. He searched her face for any sign that she might have lied, but he saw nothing there but her pale, unmarked skin. He released her, reaching down and taking her hands instead, his long fingers closing around hers, enveloping them, hiding them from view. His eyes closed once more as he bent his head, kissing the top of her head, her forehead, and finally, her lips. “Good,” he said softly, his eyes opening again, looking down into hers. “Good,” he repeated.
The touch of Corey's lips brought a whole other stream of emotions ricocheting around within Sita. She pressed her lips softly against his, returning the kiss he had given her. His words were soft, and she met his gaze shyly as he repeated that it was good, good that she was alright. She would have preferred being dead, at least parts of the time, but now she felt alive for the first time in many days. She sighed in content. Corey was healing her from the inside out.
It was only then that she realised what she needed. Not just to be held, and not just to be kissed, and not even just to be healed. She needed help. She couldn't face pregnancy and parenthood alone. She was unworthy, incapable. Corey could help her, though, if he would. So she whispered softly to him, hoping he could even hear her. I need help, Cor. And she knew it was true.
She wasn't ready to be a parent, and maybe sometimes it made her wish she could die. But if she had to live, anywhere with Corey was where she wanted to be.
Afterglow † Baron
Laura » Administrator
Posts: 169
(26/6/05 9:28)
better when we're together
>>laura<<
They’re cute. <3s for Cor and Si.
>>corey<<
Although he didn’t know much about pregnancy and knew nothing about being a good parent, Corey knew he wanted to be there for her. Anything he could do, if it would help her, he wanted to do it. If it were possible, he would have been waiting on her, hand and foot. Nonetheless, her wish was his command. And she wanted him to help, wanted him to support her through this, to hold her hand and reassure her that everything would be okay. He could do that; if nothing else, he could tell her that it would all work out in the end. Lord knew Sita would never think it for herself.
He pulled back just a little bit further so he could get a better look at her. Although he didn’t look like Sunday morning in the park himself, she didn’t look good. She was a bit paler than usual, which was saying something. He let go of one of her hands and splayed his own across her stomach, marveling at the fact that just beneath his hand there was another life, a child—their child. The thought that someday he would be able to hold this child and wonder if its nose looked more like his or hers was stunning. He couldn’t help but wonder if it would be a boy or a girl—his son or daughter, he corrected himself.
He squeezed the hand he held gently, smiling as he looked back into her eyes. “Anything you ask, Si,” he said, his other hand still pressed gently against her tummy. “For you, and for this baby…anything.”
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